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Writer's pictureJustin Mebane

The Mole

Joseph Galloway always knew he was meant to run the world. The first step to this goal was to get fit and loud. So, he gave it 110% and became the buffest guy in his family’s exclusive gym. The next step was to run for public office. So, Joseph perfected his debate style which let everyone know he was louder and far more of a man than any of the nerds who ran against him. As Joseph told it, these skills and lifestyle choices were responsible for his becoming a city councilman. However, more critical observers claimed that Joseph’s election victories were owed more to a rather aggressive campaign tactic. Somehow the Galloway campaign managed to find scandalous information about all of Joseph’s political opponents. From the primary to the general election, Joseph’s campaign revealed that the other candidates had extramarital affairs, embezzled money from their own campaign funds, were addicted to cocaine, and had Muslim friends. These scandals cleared the way for Joseph to get on the Bickville City Council. How the Galloway campaign dug up this dirt was a mystery. Even most of the campaign staff didn’t know where the dirt came from. In fact, the only one who knew the source of the dirt was Joseph Galloway himself.


After a successful first term in which his victories included buying a shiny new SUV and adding a second wing to his house, Joseph was now mounting a massive reelection campaign. Joseph prepared himself for campaigning by vigorously working out and practicing his yelling. However, the polls had him trailing his opponents. When his campaign manager brought this news to his attention, Joseph laughed and said, “Don’t get hysterical, Bill. I’ll win this baby as easily as I did the last one.” Then he went to his backyard to do push-ups.


After 100 push-ups, Joseph stood up and looked around to make sure no one was around, then walked over to a small mound of dug-up earth and bent down real close before whispering, “Hey, Elroy. You home? I need some fresh dirt.”


The small mound of dirt began to stir until a mole burst out and started sniffing around before pointing his head upwards at Joseph. Then the mole said, “Well look who it is. The bigshot city councilman. Come to talk to your lowly constituency?”


Joseph smiled his big man smile and said, “Thanks, it’s good to see you too, Elroy. These new guys I’m running against are starting to creep up on me in the polls, so I could really use any dirt you could dig up on them.”


“I haven’t seen you since you won your last election,” shouted Elroy. “And you want me to once again tunnel all around town and spy on people?”


Joseph’s big man smile dropped in confusion. “Yes. Something the matter, Elroy?”


“You ever think that I might want something too, Joseph?”


Joseph was losing patience. “I got you the imported worms. Now c’mon, get me the dirt!”


“Not until you start showing some appreciation,” said Elroy before he slid back into his hole in the ground.


“Elroy? Elroy! Get back up here you little rat,” Joseph shouted into the ground but got no answer. “You think I need you? I can win without your little gossip, so go on and stay down there!” Then he stormed back into his house, leaving behind a silent molehill and some slightly concerned neighbors.


Joseph didn’t go back to Elroy again for a week. Then came the first debate. Joseph started out strong with a detailed explanation of why he could better satisfy his opponents’ wives than they could. But then the moderator asked the candidates if they would do anything to prevent a long-serving local deli from being torn down to put up a fast-food chain restaurant, which Joseph naturally saw as an opportunity to share what he thought about the Jews. The next day he was lower in the polls than ever.


The next night Joseph snuck out into his backyard and again bent down by Elroy’s molehill. Then he whispered, “Hey, Elroy. It’s Joseph. I need to talk to you.”


Elroy’s mumbled voice answered from underground, “Not now, it’s late.”


Joseph fell down on his belly and pleaded, “C’mon Elroy. I’m really behind in the polls, and people online are being really mean to me.”


Elroy popped out of his molehill and said, “You promise to do something for me?”


Joseph put his hands together. “Yes! Please just get me the dirt!”


“Alright then,” Elroy calmly said. “Tomorrow, you can take me out for dinner at a fancy restaurant.”


Joseph stopped groveling and stared at Elroy before asking, “You mean, like, in public?”


“Absolutely,” answered Elroy.


“Gee, I don’t know. I mean, restaurants get really crowded this time of year and —"


“Fine,” Elroy interrupted. “Then you get no dirt.”


Joseph stared at Elroy for a few seconds before sighing and asking, “What time do you want to go out?”


The next night Joseph and Elroy were sitting at a table for two at the fanciest French restaurant in town., Elroy was having trouble reading the menu, so when the waiter came to take their orders, he sheepishly asked, “You wouldn’t happen to have any worms, would you?”


“But of course we do,” laughed the waiter.


“Yay,” cheered Elroy. “I’ll have a whole bowlful.”


Joseph hid behind his menu and wished they had protein shakes.


Across the restaurant, one of Joseph’s challengers happened to be having dinner with his campaign staff. He spotted Joseph and said, “That’s odd, I wouldn’t have thought Galloway would be having dinner with a mole.”


The opponent’s campaign staff turned to look at Joseph and Elroy. Coincidentally, one of his advisers had run against Joseph in the last election, and he said, “Hey, I know that mole. He used to hang around my backyard a few years ago.”


The challenger turned to his advisor and asked, “Was that when the business with Ride-Around-Sally went down?”


His adviser thought for a moment then his eyes widened as he answered, “By Christ, it was.”


“Well, well,” the challenger said with a chuckle. “That’s Joseph Galloway’s big secret source, huh? Well, I can play that game too. Got a friend in the intelligence industry, and I bet we can get a bug into Councilman Galloway’s big, fancy house as easy as getting crap from a baby.”


Sure enough, the next day the challenger had a bug in the Galloway house. Specifically, a cockroach named Arthur. Arthur scurried all over the floors and walls of the house, taking photos and videos of everything he could. Arthur got photos of all the spilled cocaine and drug paraphernalia scattered on the floor of the bathroom; he got video of Joseph with a prostitute from the bad side of town; he got video of Joseph stuffing his mattress with money gained “under the table;” he got photos of the underwear Joseph stole from the ladies’ locker room at his gym; he got photos of the receipts from sales to hostile foreign powers for something called “bye-bye juice;” he got video of Joseph having a heated conversation with someone named “Knife” about someone who was “still walking;” most damning of all, he got video of Joseph reading a book.


Arthur was about to leave with all this juicy dirt when Joseph spotted him and shrieked, “A bug!” Then he stomped on Arthur with his combat boot-clad feet.


The lesson here: a mole gets better results than a bug.

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