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  • Writer's pictureJustin Mebane

Dead-Eye Dickie

A dragon crashed into the office of Attorney Jimmy Reno one Wednesday afternoon. The impact of the crash took down the door and wall. The dragon’s skin resembled tree bark and creaked as he moved. He let out a roar as his head swung to and fro. Plaster and drywall flew all over the office as the dragon shook his body. Reno jumped out of his chair and shouted, “Jesus Christ on rye, we just had this place remodeled.”

“Huh, what’s that?” said the dragon. He turned around and saw the destroyed wall. “Whoops, my bad, my dude. Just one of those days, right?”

Reno rubbed his temples and sighed. Motioning to the chair in front of his desk, Reno said, “Have a seat.”

“Alrighty,” said the dragon as he sat down on the chair and crushed it.

“Now,” said Reno as he sat back down. “Mister, Buck, is it?”

“Yup, yup,” said Buck, nodding.

“Right,” said Reno as he glanced at the paperwork on his desk. “So, two nights ago, I believe you flew into a car containing five of my client’s employees, did you not?”

“Uh, now, now,” said Buck. “Now, wait a second. Your boys ran into me.”

“You were flying.”

“I know, very reckless driving.”

Reno stared at Buck for a moment before continuing, “But, of course, you were drunk.”

“Whoa, the hell, man? I haven’t been drunk since my frat days!”

“That’s not what the breathalyzer said. Regardless, you’re in a lot more trouble than you bargained for, buddy. My client is very big in the, ah, concrete industry.”

“I’ve seen concrete before. They do good work.”

Reno looked puzzled by this statement, but went on, “The boys you ran into were coming back from selling some cement footwear.”

“I’ve always loved shoes,” said Buck. “Can never find any my size. A conspiracy, obviously.”

Frowning, Reno continued, “You put all of them in traction. And one, ‘Dead-eye Dickie,’ is dead.”

“Aw man, that sucks. I’ll cremate him for free if you like.”

“That won’t be necessary. Of course, he was very popular with the others. ‘Killer’ Kirk. ‘Shotgun’ Harry. ‘Pyscho’ Vinnie. ‘Constipated’ Lenny. Once they get better, they’ll want to pay you a visit and lodge a formal complaint.”

“Oh, crap,” said Buck as he stood up and crashed his head through the ceiling. “The rent’s due today. How am I gonna find five-hundred dollars? My roommate’s gonna be so angry. He’s still weird about all those times I accidently sat on him.”

“Mister Buck,” said Reno as he brushed plaster off his suit, “I don’t think you understand the predicament you find yourself in.”

“Yeah, it got all dark and dusty all of a sudden,” said Buck, spinning his head around.

“That’s because your head’s in my damn ceiling,” Reno shouted up at Buck.

“Oh, okay,” Buck said before swinging his head down through the rest of the ceiling.

“As I was saying,” said Reno after taking a deep breath. “My client has a lot of reach in the community and elsewhere, so you can expect a great deal of, shall we say, trouble coming your way in the near future.”

“Uh, I think you’re right,” said Buck as his head bobbed around. “All this ceiling action has got me dizzy.” Then he started gagging and ran over to the window, crashing his head through it. He began vomiting – which included half-digested food and flames – and an explosion from outside followed. “Uh oh, there goes another car,” said Buck with a sniff. “Should I leave my info or is it all good?”

Reno jumped up out of his chair and said, “Sir, are you intoxicated right now?”

“What, no, man,” Buck said before releasing a burp that set Reno’s desk on fire. “I mean, maybe.”

“This is a serious matter,” said Reno. “If you’re not going to take this seriously then you’re wasting my time. I’m a damn lawyer; my time is valuable. You think I don’t have more important business than this?”

“So, we’re agreed,” said Buck. “This is boring. Well, I guess I’ll be on my way.”

“Wait, we’re not done here. You’re going to be sleeping with the fishes, you hear me?”

“Ugh, another fish orgy. Well, if I gotta,” Buck said as he turned to face the shattered window and backed up.

“Hang on,” Reno said while pointing at Buck. “You’re in no condition to fly. If you want to leave, then you need to call a cab.”

“I don’t know any crabs. Anyway, I’m a great flyer. Drunk or no drunk,” said Buck before running towards the window, crashing through the wall, and flying across the street into a church, bringing the entire building down. Buck’s head stuck up out of the rubble and said, “Man, that came outta nowhere. I should get my own lawyer. Or some insurance.” Then he took off again, this time crashing into a powerline pole. “It’s okay, it’s just a tree,” said Buck before he once again took to the air and flew away in an erratic pattern.

Reno stared after the drunk dragon until he was out of sight. Then he looked down at his flaming desk. Sighing, Reno opened a drawer and took out a taco and a stick. He thrusted the stick through the taco and held it over the fire. After five minutes, Reno took the taco off the stick, holding it carefully, then took a bite out of it and gave out a satisfied moan. Reno then sat down in his chair, took out a plate and a bag of tortilla chips, which he laid down in his lap before taking a soda can out of another drawer, opening it, and gulping it down before continuing his lunch.

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